That happened on Sunday. I was nervous because I knew the next day, Monday, I would be thrown out by the person I had expected to hold my hand on this journey called life. On days like this, you notice every second that passes. Lacking direction, and someone to whisper, “Do this,” I lost myself inside me. It’s lonely, and you want to cry but can’t. It stings. Everything I had believed as a child had come crashing down on me, and I tried to find a ray of hope in all the books I’d read, but my mind was empty, and my heart was heavy. For me, it was dark in the morning.
I realized that I had no Father to walk with me, to show me how things worked, that I was all alone and there was nothing I could do. I had lost myself.
This world requires fathers, not those who get them pregnant, but those who take your hand and push you into the future you want. It requires those who lift us up when we are down, those who cry with us, those we can look up to, Fathers. With all of this trauma, how will I ever be a good father? Will I abandon my child? Everyone claims to want the best for their child, but do they? or we’re just selfish jerks who make excuses for our children while neglecting ourselves.
Sometimes I think we need fathers who are mentors, who we can look up to, who we admire and who inspire us. I despised myself and believed I was always wrong. You’re walking down familiar streets, but it feels strange, as if you don’t belong there in the first place. I needed someone to come to my rescue, someone to lean on.
When you can’t see yourself in the future, when you can’t see yourself ten years from now, when all you can see is pain and regrets, revenge and all that rage inside, you’ve lost yourself. What is the point of living if you don’t know why you’re alive? All of this motivation we dismiss as insignificant, scrolling down to find amusing things to share and laugh about, while harboring the hope that things will improve for us one day. When trouble strikes, we run to the sky, hoping for help, but where is our lives now?
If you want to build a mountain, you must first turn the kitchen into a hurricane>
It’s difficult to keep that smile on your face when you’re crushing on the inside. I realized that the people you don’t know, the strangers you met once and forgot about, are the ones who truly help you. They don’t do it because they can, and I’m not sure why. Quite strange…
They did not build the church dancing, so the path you choose will not be easy. Each day, look up, thank Him for that day, and set goals. You may not achieve all of them, but remember that tomorrow was created so that today could end.
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